I woke up today, thinking it would be like any other day- just normal, thinking about monotonous things. I went to lunch and had a talk that will forever change my way of thinking and my mentality over all.
I was asked simply why I take so long to process my emotions or just heavy things that happen in front of me in general. (Before I go on, I’ll give you a quick background of what I’m referring to. When I’m given a lot to think about or if I get in a fight/disagreement with someone, I immediately shut the conversation down and tell them I need to take the time to process what’s going on in my head. Mind you, this can take up to days- annoying, I know). I’ve known for a little over a year now that I tend to do this for various reasons, but today I really dug into this logic.
I definitely know that naturally, I’m a visual learner. Meaning, I intake information best when I’m visually looking at it. (Which is why I think I love and connect with Tumblr so much). I learn general information that way and I have found that’s how I read people and their emotions, through body language- I find it fascinating. Anyways, I believe that contributes to my need to process different emotions. Emotions aren’t something you can see. Emotions are all about intuition and interpreting different things you hear. So needless to say, it can be a real struggle for me. When I get in an argument with someone I care about all I want is to tell them how I feel, but I can’t. I need to take that time to paint a mental picture in my head.
Secondly, and more importantly, I use this mental processing as a defense mechanism. Throughout high school I had horrible anger issues and always took my anger out on the people I loved most. I hated doing this so I needed to find a quick fix and this odd logic is what I guess I came up with. So when I get in a disagreement, I don’t jump to anger as a primary emotion anymore. Instead, I stay calm and somewhat laid back. Which can come off as rude or that I don’t even care about the situation in front of me. I then go on and not respond to anything or to any emotion. I just shut them down until I’m ready to talk about it, until I have processed it all. Well, I’m sick of all this. I’ve hurt countless people in my life by using this tactic and it NEEDS to come to an end. I’m done putting up a wall, pretending like I don’t care until I do- it’s rude and inconsiderate.
I need to figure out what that underlining anger is in my life and why I lashed out for so long. Once that has been accomplished, I only I hope I can let go of the defense mechanism. Now, I’m not only doing this for myself, but more so for the girl who I will call “mine” for the rest of my life. I promised myself a long time ago that I would be the best version of myself for her, and that’s what I intend to do. She deserves the best part of me, all of me. Hell, she even deserves for me to process emotions with her instead of leaving her in the dust; waiting for me to come back with some sort of consensus. So, I am going to take the next couple of months to knock out this processing crap and really be me in an argument.
Who knew eating tacos and drinking a beer could reveal so much. Oh how life will surprise you :)
The best education you will ever get is traveling. Nothing teaches you more than exploring the world and accumulating experiences
silencereality asked: im in love with your blog!
awe, thanks so much! <3